Boy have we had a wild ride. I feel like I want to drop to my knees and apologize to you for all the ways in which I’ve severely mistreated you. And I am truly, so very sorry. I now see what you are and you didn’t deserve any of that. But, money, it seems like we were destined to have some maddening ups-and-downs from the very start. (Did you choose my Scorpio Pluto in the 2nd house, or did I? 🧐).
I remember when I was little and you were something that wasn’t talked about but was ever-so-plentiful. We had everything we needed — physically and materially. I was so well taken care of by you. I never questioned your power or your abilities. You allowed for a physical security that, in all honesty, made the emotional instability a little bit easier to navigate.
Then the recession hit, and all of a sudden — you were made out to be a demon in our household. There was “never enough” of you; we were spending “too much” of you; we had “too little” of you. As time went on, I was told repeatedly that our lack of money was large-in-part my fault. I was just a teenager, yet so much of the blame was thrown to me. I was so confused by you. I believe this is when our relationship started to become both difficult and dramatic.
I worked so hard for you, money. I started working when I was 12 and earning you — I was told it was important to learn to make you and handle you. Yet at the same time, you were made out to be the reason for so much of the strife in our house (I now see that was one piece of the truth). I became nervous about losing you, the way my family supposedly was. I began to both horde and overspend you. True to my extreme nature, I took you along for what I can now see was probably an uncomfortable ride.
Multiple times, someone in the house tried to take control of you, from me. I was told time and time again, how stupid I was, how I didn’t know how to handle you, how I shouldn’t have a lot of money at my age — regardless of whether I was making it or not. I learned that other people would take you from me if I didn’t hold on tight to you.
Through college and after, I began to make you in more adult ways. But I brought all of my fucked up patterns with me into these spaces. I ruined opportunities because of my inability to have a health relationship to you. Additionally, when I decided to leave the life I had created for everyone except myself — I was cut from any chords that attached us.
This felt like the beginning of the initiations, money. Looking back, this was truly divine timing on your part. As I set off to create a life in which I was both deeply connected to and a steward of the Earth — you decided to show me all the ways in which I’d abused you, how you were never the key to the happiness and fulfillment I was seeking, and how it feels to have and use you — free of any help, support, or unwarranted deservingness.
You opened me up to the spoiled brat inside of me who felt that she should have whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted — then you slowly and systematically destroyed her. Thank you for that, money.
Before I continue, money, I must acknowledge that I truly believe you are a Spirit. I don’t believe you’re a bad spirit but I feel that so much resent, anger, and manipulation has been attached to you, that we—as humans—are making you into something you never intended to be. I have felt for a long time that you have been putting me through initiations to teach me about who you are, how you want to be treated, how you want to be handled, where you want to go, and what you want to be used for. I’m not surprised you’re doing this with me, money. It’s like you know me or something...
These last three years you have influxed in very high highs and disappeared in very low lows. I have watched my bank account drop down to 0, multiple times. And each time I feel strongly that you are asking me if I can still feel worth — regardless of the number. You have shown me that I can survive, and feel both worthy and taken care of with next to nothing. You have humbled me in ways I didn’t know I needed. You have ripped every last shred of spoiled consciousness from my being. You have granted me the lens of privilege, access, and awareness of how much of both of those I’ve had.
When I started my business and began to create income in larger chunks — there was, almost immediately, very Saturnian things that you needed to be circulated to. It’s as if you planned it or something. I have never been more Saturnian in my spending than I am right now, money. Have you and Saturn secretly teamed up to throttle me into adulthood?
I have noticed that you love to flow to me when I’m not projecting worry, stress, and anxiety onto you and am allowing myself to simply be content in my experience. And, I have noticed that you disappear the moment I begin to attach those emotions to you. You have taught me that you love to flow when I am in the energy of service, not desperation. You consistently and ruthlessly mirror back to me when I am out of alignment, when I am straying from the path, and when I need a healthy dose of trust + surrender.
I have seen what a gift you are money; what a massive healing force you can be; the ways you allow people to be in even deeper levels of service by expanding their gifts and knowledge to places that only you could take them. I see how you allow people to become more deeply in touch with their needs, wants, and desires. One of my favorite things I’ve seen you do is free up energetic space in people’s lives so that they can pour their energy into what truly excites them. You allow people to access forgotten parts of themselves, money. That is truly a gift.
Money, I want you to know — I am willing & working to show up for a healthier, holier relationship with you. I am hoping to play my part in dismantling the tremendous amounts of shame and banishment you have incurred. I am willing to be your humble student, as you continue to teach me life-altering lessons.
Please allow me to not grasp you too tightly or too loosely. Teach me to see you as a an ally or lover, not an enemy. Help me to learn to circulate you in the exact ways you desire. Show me how to love you as you come, and love you even more as you go. I will continue to show up for the work you consistently present me with.
I am so excited for our relationship, money. Continue to bring me closer to your holy essence. Allow me to treat you with devotion and honor, and may our relationship create only what is good, needed, and in service.
I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
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